What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

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Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Why do some men like anal sex?

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

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Especially a lifetime of it.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

In the TV show Supernatural, why is God portrayed as cruel?

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I was seconnd youngest,

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

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Put me off passion for life!!

It was going to be , some day.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

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As i do to all so called friends.?

One cannot live in the past .

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Why do I want to suck cock tonight?

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Should parents force their kids to go to school when they are sick?

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

We were not on the streets..

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I was 9 years of age.

I never cut or harmed myself..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She found it foreign!.

And i lived it daily.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

But, we were locked up after school.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I was scared of men, in general

When she asked me how she looked .

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He knew the spot.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

My family never makes their pension either.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Would this be the day?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

So whats the point in blame.

I will be 64.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

So, i spoilt her more .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But it wasn’t much.

What did i know ?

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

(And it was in our own minds.)

He resisted the act ,that day.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Who then, do I blame.?

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I don,t even have a pension.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Ive learnt so much.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I said to her

Im still living with it.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She married twice! .

She loved him until the end.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

We all went to grammer schools

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I waited trembling.

My life is so biszare .

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I think the readers, may guess!

I was very sick at this time too.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

This is soul school!.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I have no regrets .

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

All the time i was locked up.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Comes on , in middle age.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

She was in good health!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

She wouldn,t have been !

But ive been too sick for many years..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I write beautiful poetry .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I couldn’t, believe it.